Jabba the Hutt

"Bring me Solo and the Wookiee. They will all suffer for this outrage." That was the cry last night as Jabba the Hutt made one of his rare public appearances. Since being strangled to death by a scantily clad Carrie Fisher in '83, Jabba has tried to keep a low profile.

Quoting gems like, "This bounty hunter is my kind of scum: fearless and inventive", Jabba thrilled the crowds with thoughts of a simpler time...when creatures were rubber, mechanical and had a guy's hand up their ass. When movies were shot on actual sets and didn't look like a game for the PS3. When an actor's wooden performance was part of the fun conceit, and not because they literally have one single monotone delivery. Yeah, I'm looking at you "Mannequin Skywalker". Dammit, Topher Grace would have kicked ass!!! Oh...heh...hrmm.

As seen in the photo, Jabba has put on some weight since he was last seen.

UPDATE: Okay, so that wasn't Jabba the Hutt. Sure looked like him, and frankly this guy deserves the same end. Can't SOMEBODY throw a chain around the fat f#@ks neck and pull. I mean it's not enough he's a propagandist on a level to make Leni Riefenstahl jealous (damn, Triumph of the Will was good work), but Hollywood fawns over him like his sweat has healing properties. You know, there are many many better directors making fictional movies just like him who don't get near the acclaim. The bright spot is that he's just one In and Out Burger from spending time with Uncle Adolf.

I'M NOT F@#KING DANE COOK!

Incredibly talented and naturally funny Ryan Reynolds is seen here gently reminding photags that he is not the charismatic but remarkably unfunny comedy thief Dane Cook. "Look, I made a movie with the dude, but he was in the kitchen acting like a retard (huge stretch there) and I was out front macking chicks like Anna 'Could I BE Any Cuter?' Faris. I mean did you SEE 'Employee of the Month'? Dax Shepperd carried him...also that mexican dude from Napoleon Dynamite. I was Van Wilder for f@#ks sake! Kumar? I MADE Kal Pen"

Move! Move! Move!

Security was alerted this week to David and Victoria Beckham's home when code "The Robin Has Left The Nest" was announced. With Victoria in NY doing exciting fashion related things, it was important to get the boys out of the house as quickly as possible before the spanish swimsuit models arrived. Spirited away behind the blacked-out glass of Dave's sports car, the boys were taken to a secluded location. Here you can see the shock on their faces as they notice the group of photographers just struck by the speeding vehicle upon arrival.

Ashton Spends Valentines With Mom

Ashton Kutcher is a true momma's boy, as he is seen here accompanying his mom out for a sexy night on the town in LA. It is truly wonderful to see a young star not hopped up on whoopy doo and honoring his mom when he could be out banging chicks like Matthew McConaughy does bongos. Admittedly the hand holding is a little odd.

UPDATE: Intrepid Hound Reporter, Clare Bassett, has once again pointed out that that is Dinty Moore...what?..Oh..Demi Moore with Ashton. Apparently Ashton is still playing "new daddy" to Bruce Willis' kids. Sorry for the confusion.