Lord Speaks To Lachey

Our Lord and Father took time out during the USC game Thanksgiving to notify Nick Lachey that his 15 minutes are up. The public dismissal was hardly unexpected by the thousands in attendence. "I had to do it. Have you seen his body spray commercial? I'm swinging by that advertising firm later. "

Ironically this isn't the first celebrity with Simpson connections to receive public dismissal from Our Holy Father, the Maker of Earth. Ashlee Simpson was stripped of what little lip-synching talent she had 2 years ago during a performance on Saturday Night Live. Just to drive the point home, God made her dance like a leprechaun who'd lost her Lucky Charms...which (though magical) I just can't find delicious.

He's Definately Not Charlie's Son

Today we present definitive proof that Prince "The other one" is absolutely not the son of Prince Charles. "Crocodile Dundee" here is vacationing in Namibia with his best Sheila, Chelsey Davy. Relaxing in his canoe like a hardened military veteran (you know...like a certain former riding instructor), Prince "The other one" bears no resemblence whatsoever to that palmy bastard who claims paternity.

Gibson No Longer #1

In a recent poll conducted by the basset hound napping at my feet, Michael Richards is now the #1 racist in Hollywood, with Mel Gibson falling to a distant 2nd. "Gratias ago Deus!" Mel Gibson was visibly jubliant as he began the talk show rounds today in support of his upcoming film, Mel Gibson's Apocolypto. "I'm back, Baby! Suck it! If I could get Al Sharpton out here I could slip down to #3. Whoooo!"

Later on the Today Show, Gibson commented, "Oh sure, I ragged on the Jews, but at least I had enough sense not to touch the darkies. What was that hooked nose hymie thinking? Now he can get the FREE subscription to NRA Magazine."

In a seperate statement, Gibson's spokeperson said that Mel wishes Michael Richards the best during this difficult time.

Princes Planning Royal Affair For Diana

Prince William and the other one are said to be planning a huge royal affair for their deceased Mum. Apparently the plan is to thin the English football hooligan population by convincing 90,000 of them to squeeze into Wembley Stadium for the FA Cup Final and then subject them to an evening of Elton John, Sting, Phil Colins, George Michaels, and Robbie Williams. Reportedly Madonna's accent will be invited to attend but the rest of her hideous corpse will be asked to remain safely locked up.

Week 4 of the Jolie-Pitt Orphan Boatlift

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt continue their furious efforts to relocate and/or adopt as many impoverished orphans as possible before Madonna can get her nails into them. A spokeman I suddenly made up for this piece said that Madonna would not be detered from her efforts, and was sure she could find another poor, uneducated and grief-stricken family to take advantage of by adopting their child while promising it a trip to Euro Disney.

I too was an impoverished orphan rescued by a kind benefactor, and when I say kind benefactor I mean raving maniac. The flies were still fresh on my mother when the General snatched me up and soon I knew the wheel of pain and what is best in life is to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.