A Dyke, a Dick and Disinterested

Alec Baldwin appeared on the View to explain how though he did call his daughter a rude pig, it was really Kim Basinger's fault. First, I thought Canada bombed the Baldwin compound in Bigger, Longer and Uncut. Shouldn't he be as dead as the good part of his career? Secondly, this has got to be the only show a hatefilled child tormentor can go on and get sympathy. And really, he's only getting sympathy from Rosie O'don't I have a Penis. Thirdly, wasn't he supposed to move out of the country after Bush won the second time. I know he promised, and he seems real persnickety about keeping promises.

George Michaels Has Faith

He pleaded guilty to being under the influence of drugs. No crying in the court room. No online letter campaign to get him off (no pun intended). No high powered lawyer (well, barrister) swooping in to save him. Nope. "I did it. Send me to jail."

Hmmm....I wonder why? That sure is a happy look on George's face. Haven't seen him that happy since Andrew Ridgely said he could sleep over as long as he didn't touch him in his naughty place. He must have been thinking, "Well, I was quite pleased actually. I was trying to do my butch voice, you know, 'what the jury must understand', and they loved it, you know. I could see that foreman eyeing me. Cheeky devil."

Jail. Big sweety mens hanging out and pumping iron. How long do you think it would take before George OFFERED to be someone's bitch. This would be the first time of reverse jailhouse rape. The inmates would be off running as soon as he hit the cellblock.

Ministry of Silly Upper Class Twit Walks

Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park. You join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here, with the going firm underfoot and very little sign of rain. Well it certainly looks as though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport in this the 127th Upperclass Twit of the Year Show. Well the competitors will be off in a moment so let me just identify for you.

Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has an O-level in chemo-hygiene. Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp. Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time he's a stockbroker. Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards, and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket. And finally Oliver St John-Mollusc, Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit. Now they're moving up to the starting line, there's a jolly good crowd here today.

The real problem is one of money. I'm afraid that the Ministry of Silly Walks is no longer getting the kind of support it needs. You see there's Defence, Social Security, Health, Housing, Education, Silly Walks ... they're all supposed to get the same. But last year, the Government spent less on the Ministry of Silly Walks than it did on National Defence! Now we get £348,000,000 a year, which is supposed to be spent on all our available products.

LOST? - How About Confused?

Even the cast hasn't a clue at this point. What the hell is this show about? Now the end is drawing near and they have to wrap all this crap up, the writers claim they have had a clear vision since the very beginning. Bullocks! They've been writing by the seat of their pants just making up random stuff for years just hoping everyone wouldn't catch on...hoping at some point they get a clue or best case scenerio, they get cancelled during hiatius and then they could have said for the rest of their miserable pathetic empty and deserving lives that they had "the coolest ending ever!" No one would ever be able to prove them wrong. And even if someone found out "the coolest ending ever" and it was complete shite, they could just say it would have played out better on the screen. Afterall, someone thought the Wachowski brothers had something when they greenlit not one but TWO simultaneous sequels to the Matrix...and there ain't no way to slice that crap and it make sense.

Pimping Dem Ho's

Two year old Preston is already keeping his pimp hand strong laying it down right for his aunt and moms who he's done turned out. Given props to his pops for whom the beat don't stop, he's smacking up bitches and getting his paper. Seriously, how sad is it that the poorest person in this picture is the best dressed?

28 Weeks Later

The Corpse makes is evil return. A youngling tags along, apparently learning the ways of the flesh-eating zombie. Tucked under one arm is its latest prey, broiled to a dark brown and sprinkled in spice. How the evil one made it so far in the sunlight is a mystery. Somewhere...locked far away in a dank dark cellar...Guy Richie's talent screams out to be released. And birds weep.

Ashton Spends Quality Time With His Mom

Ashton Kutchner is seen here at the GM Fashionapolosa Extravaganza...oh whatever. It's nice to see that no matter how big Ashton gets, he's always got time to spend with his mom. He could have some fine model or actress with him, instead he chooses to take his mom to this big function. What a nice boy. And I didn't even know General Motors made clothes. I thought they spent all their time trying to make cars as good as the Japanese.

UPDATE
Ace reporter Clare Basset informs me that that is actually Demi Moore. My mistake. Man, Demi Moore was once so hot they named canned foods after her. What happened?

UPDATE PART DEUX - The Revenge
Clare Basset has once again stepped in to inform me that the canned stews, etc. were called Dennis Moore...named after the Highwayman from Monty Python fame. He stole lupins and rode across the sward. There was a quite a catchy little tune...Dennis Moore..Dennis Moore..riding 'cross the sward. Dennis Moore...Dennis Moore...dum dum dum duh dum....

UPDATE PART the THIRD - The Final Conflict
I have been told by a good authority who DOES NOT eat her own feces that the canned foods were made by Denti Moore. I apologize for the confusion.

Trio Sacrifices For Success

The Dixie Chicks are seen here celebrating their muliple Grammy wins. In a stunning turn of events, the Grammy's chose to honor them, despite their many setbacks due to desparaging remarks they made regarding the President. It is hard to imagine that the music industry and Hollywood as a whole would possibly reward anyone insulting the Commander-In-Chief. Okay...I can't keep it up. The Grammy's would be handing out Lifetime Achievement Awards to these witches if they could. If they'd stepped on stage, lit the American flag on fire, squated and then pissed the fire out I think Hollywood would've exploded in one huge joint orgasmic explosion. Let's face it, they sacrificed small woodland creatures and probably a human or two to be this successful, because there isn't anyone buying their damn records anymore. A recording of Stephen Hawking's electronic voice reading a phonebook while fingernails scratch a chalkboard would sell more records than the Dixie Chicks. Didn't see these gals picking up any People's Choice Awards, did you? Nope. Didn't think so.

The Corpse Takes a New Victim

"The Corpse" escaped from its maximum security holding cell and aparently released Guy Ritchie as well. Guy Ritchie's talent still remains securely hidden away. Seen here, "the Corpse" is out and about with her family, little Lourdes, Guy, and the child she stole in Africa. That's the dark continent, you know. Missing of course, is her son Rocco who was consumed by "the Corpse" just prior to this photo to maintain her semblance of youth.

Hot Links

Dick In A Box - SNL short. I might not dig Justin Timberlake's music, but the guy is consistantly excellent on SNL.

Band Settles with Apple

Obscure English pop group "the Beatles" has recently settled with Apple, maker of billions of iPods and the coolest computers around, in their copyright infringment suit over the Apple name and mark. It seems these fellows have a company called Apple and use an apple for their logo. Real original guys. Didn't happen to get the ideas off the computer your music was mixed on or the iPod the cool cats who listen to your jive listen to? Apple is doing these guys a favor by giving them not only money, but bringing them some much needed public exposure. Let's face it, with a name like that, they can't go far. And those haircuts? So totally Perry Como. If I was one of these guys, I'd take that money and invest it in...I don't know...Apple stock, and hang up the instruments. Music certainly isn't in their future.

One of These Things Is Not Like the Others

Can you see what is wrong with this picture? How much longer is society going to let this go on? I know...I know...I should be a better person and overlook these things. Society has progressed in the last few decades and I guess I've been left behind. Just because everyone else says it's okay doesn't make it okay. This is simply wrong and a complete afront to God. Yeah, I said it. An affront to God. There's 3 healthy children and a walking corpse in that picture. It is a travisity I tell you.

Paula's Handful

Tito...Jermaine...no....Jesse...uh uh...Action...no, not that either...Randy(?) Jackson is getting the thrill of a lifetime as Paula Abdul candidly gropes his grapes. Paula's been catching a bad rap for being a little "too too much" in public lately. Sure she's been goofy, but I don't care. She's still hot and she's got the whole 'opposites attract' thing...she's tiny and I'm big...I think she and I could work something out. She was a Laker girl for Heaven's sakes? Not only that, but she danced with a cat once! And not one of the lameass gay cats from...well, "Cats". Have you ever seen that miserable excuse for a musical? Oh what I would do to throw the whole lot of them in a canvas sack and toss them in a river.