The Walking Dead

"The Corpse" made an appearance today on the set of her new movie, "Shawn of the Dead: Dead and Spankin' It". In what may be the part she was born to play, "The Corpse" has been cast as one of the shambling dead that Shawn and his whimsical friends will bolt from one pub to another whacking heads off in the working class east end. Hilarity is scheduled to make an appearance...perhaps as early as the opening credits. Once her scenes for the day were shot, "the Corpse" was tranquilized and locked back up in the same dark hole she has hidden away Guy Ritchie's talent.

Meshach Taylor Is Dating Beyonce'

In a development that is shaking the entertainment world, it seems former Designing Women star Meshach Taylor is now dating Beyonce' Knowles. Reverberations are being felt all throughout my home office as word has quickly spread from my stuffed Buddy Bear to Clare the most perfect Basset Hound in the world. Isn't he too old for her? And I thought he was gay? Or was that just the character he played in Mannequin? That performance was quite convincing, and I think he was totally nominated for an Emmy or something.

UPDATED
Clare Basset has just now informed me that the man in the photo and dating Beyonce' is former Diff'rent Strokes actor Todd Bridges. I apologize for the confusion.

UPDATED AGAIN
Clare Basset now says that the last update was a ruse to get back at me for not sharing more roasted chicken earlier. Having now humiliated me, she informs me the man in the photo is long time boyfriend Jay-Z.

They Bored Even Themselves

The couple with about as much heat as the icicle that bottomed Titanic has stunned an anxious public by officially calling it quits. According to E!Online, "Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn split up after more than a year of are-they-or-aren't-they dating. Their reps said the pair have 'mutually agreed to end their relationship but continue to be good friends today.'"

Look at this photo and tell me if they were good friends when this was taken. There are people I'd like to dip in a tub of scorpions, pour hot sauce on and then light on fire that I'd be more warm to. Jennifer is thinking, "Jolie gets Brad and traipses romantically around the world saving pandas and assorted other cuddly creatures, and I get mezzanine seats at an Angels game with the out of shape gym owner from Dodgeball." Vince is thinking, "I can bag every cheerleader on the field...and probably their mothers too if they are totally money."

Double, Double Toil and Trouble

The Powers of Three are alive and well and collecting Grammy's or whatever plastic statues are being handed out by backslapping industry types right now. While conjuring the lightning behind them, the Dixie Cups..er...Dixie Hicks...um...Dixie Chicks solemnly thanked their lord and master Beelzebubba for fogging the minds of the voters like the Shadow used to do in the old radio programs. You ever listen to those? Awsome stuff. You know Orson Wells did the voice once or twice. Alec Baldwin sucked in that movie, but Sam Raimi is producing a new one which will kick so much patootie. Anyway, moments after this photo was taken, the exit doors slammed shut and the firehoses began to fly around the room.

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Lord Speaks To Lachey

Our Lord and Father took time out during the USC game Thanksgiving to notify Nick Lachey that his 15 minutes are up. The public dismissal was hardly unexpected by the thousands in attendence. "I had to do it. Have you seen his body spray commercial? I'm swinging by that advertising firm later. "

Ironically this isn't the first celebrity with Simpson connections to receive public dismissal from Our Holy Father, the Maker of Earth. Ashlee Simpson was stripped of what little lip-synching talent she had 2 years ago during a performance on Saturday Night Live. Just to drive the point home, God made her dance like a leprechaun who'd lost her Lucky Charms...which (though magical) I just can't find delicious.

He's Definately Not Charlie's Son

Today we present definitive proof that Prince "The other one" is absolutely not the son of Prince Charles. "Crocodile Dundee" here is vacationing in Namibia with his best Sheila, Chelsey Davy. Relaxing in his canoe like a hardened military veteran (you know...like a certain former riding instructor), Prince "The other one" bears no resemblence whatsoever to that palmy bastard who claims paternity.

Gibson No Longer #1

In a recent poll conducted by the basset hound napping at my feet, Michael Richards is now the #1 racist in Hollywood, with Mel Gibson falling to a distant 2nd. "Gratias ago Deus!" Mel Gibson was visibly jubliant as he began the talk show rounds today in support of his upcoming film, Mel Gibson's Apocolypto. "I'm back, Baby! Suck it! If I could get Al Sharpton out here I could slip down to #3. Whoooo!"

Later on the Today Show, Gibson commented, "Oh sure, I ragged on the Jews, but at least I had enough sense not to touch the darkies. What was that hooked nose hymie thinking? Now he can get the FREE subscription to NRA Magazine."

In a seperate statement, Gibson's spokeperson said that Mel wishes Michael Richards the best during this difficult time.

Princes Planning Royal Affair For Diana

Prince William and the other one are said to be planning a huge royal affair for their deceased Mum. Apparently the plan is to thin the English football hooligan population by convincing 90,000 of them to squeeze into Wembley Stadium for the FA Cup Final and then subject them to an evening of Elton John, Sting, Phil Colins, George Michaels, and Robbie Williams. Reportedly Madonna's accent will be invited to attend but the rest of her hideous corpse will be asked to remain safely locked up.

Week 4 of the Jolie-Pitt Orphan Boatlift

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt continue their furious efforts to relocate and/or adopt as many impoverished orphans as possible before Madonna can get her nails into them. A spokeman I suddenly made up for this piece said that Madonna would not be detered from her efforts, and was sure she could find another poor, uneducated and grief-stricken family to take advantage of by adopting their child while promising it a trip to Euro Disney.

I too was an impoverished orphan rescued by a kind benefactor, and when I say kind benefactor I mean raving maniac. The flies were still fresh on my mother when the General snatched me up and soon I knew the wheel of pain and what is best in life is to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.