A Dyke, a Dick and Disinterested

Alec Baldwin appeared on the View to explain how though he did call his daughter a rude pig, it was really Kim Basinger's fault. First, I thought Canada bombed the Baldwin compound in Bigger, Longer and Uncut. Shouldn't he be as dead as the good part of his career? Secondly, this has got to be the only show a hatefilled child tormentor can go on and get sympathy. And really, he's only getting sympathy from Rosie O'don't I have a Penis. Thirdly, wasn't he supposed to move out of the country after Bush won the second time. I know he promised, and he seems real persnickety about keeping promises.

George Michaels Has Faith

He pleaded guilty to being under the influence of drugs. No crying in the court room. No online letter campaign to get him off (no pun intended). No high powered lawyer (well, barrister) swooping in to save him. Nope. "I did it. Send me to jail."

Hmmm....I wonder why? That sure is a happy look on George's face. Haven't seen him that happy since Andrew Ridgely said he could sleep over as long as he didn't touch him in his naughty place. He must have been thinking, "Well, I was quite pleased actually. I was trying to do my butch voice, you know, 'what the jury must understand', and they loved it, you know. I could see that foreman eyeing me. Cheeky devil."

Jail. Big sweety mens hanging out and pumping iron. How long do you think it would take before George OFFERED to be someone's bitch. This would be the first time of reverse jailhouse rape. The inmates would be off running as soon as he hit the cellblock.

Ministry of Silly Upper Class Twit Walks

Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park. You join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here, with the going firm underfoot and very little sign of rain. Well it certainly looks as though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport in this the 127th Upperclass Twit of the Year Show. Well the competitors will be off in a moment so let me just identify for you.

Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has an O-level in chemo-hygiene. Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp. Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time he's a stockbroker. Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards, and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket. And finally Oliver St John-Mollusc, Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit. Now they're moving up to the starting line, there's a jolly good crowd here today.

The real problem is one of money. I'm afraid that the Ministry of Silly Walks is no longer getting the kind of support it needs. You see there's Defence, Social Security, Health, Housing, Education, Silly Walks ... they're all supposed to get the same. But last year, the Government spent less on the Ministry of Silly Walks than it did on National Defence! Now we get £348,000,000 a year, which is supposed to be spent on all our available products.

LOST? - How About Confused?

Even the cast hasn't a clue at this point. What the hell is this show about? Now the end is drawing near and they have to wrap all this crap up, the writers claim they have had a clear vision since the very beginning. Bullocks! They've been writing by the seat of their pants just making up random stuff for years just hoping everyone wouldn't catch on...hoping at some point they get a clue or best case scenerio, they get cancelled during hiatius and then they could have said for the rest of their miserable pathetic empty and deserving lives that they had "the coolest ending ever!" No one would ever be able to prove them wrong. And even if someone found out "the coolest ending ever" and it was complete shite, they could just say it would have played out better on the screen. Afterall, someone thought the Wachowski brothers had something when they greenlit not one but TWO simultaneous sequels to the Matrix...and there ain't no way to slice that crap and it make sense.

Pimping Dem Ho's

Two year old Preston is already keeping his pimp hand strong laying it down right for his aunt and moms who he's done turned out. Given props to his pops for whom the beat don't stop, he's smacking up bitches and getting his paper. Seriously, how sad is it that the poorest person in this picture is the best dressed?

28 Weeks Later

The Corpse makes is evil return. A youngling tags along, apparently learning the ways of the flesh-eating zombie. Tucked under one arm is its latest prey, broiled to a dark brown and sprinkled in spice. How the evil one made it so far in the sunlight is a mystery. Somewhere...locked far away in a dank dark cellar...Guy Richie's talent screams out to be released. And birds weep.