New Releases 3/10

This is the blind leading the blind edition of new releases since I haven't seen probably more than one of these. Considering I'll watch just about anything, that should tell you plenty about these selections.

Role Models
Watched the trailer and it seemed humorous, but not enough to get me off the couch and plop down $8 in the theater. Sure as hell ain't going to drop a $20 to own this. I'm sure it will be on Showtime or HBO or one of the other premium channels I get with my FREE satellite. Yes, it's FREE. Didn't pay for the HD-DVR receiver, didn't pay for installation, bought the dish at a SERIOUS discount and don't pay a monthly fee. Suck on that bitches!

Pinocchio
I honestly have not seen this little wooden bastard's movie all the way through. Yeah, the cricket is cool and all and obvious got his own agent because he went on to a whole lot more Disney work while wood boy hit early retirement. And don't give me any of that crap about him being in the Shrek movies. He's like the new Daren on Bewitched. I know he's supposed to be the same guy and I can't suspend disbelief that far. Buy this special anniversary disc before Disney pulls it from the market so they can milk it for a future release.

Howard the Duck
Damn. Just...damn. Having a familiarity to the source material for this movie, it pained me to my soul when George Lucas took a hot steaming dump on the cigar chewing misogynist Marvel Comics had crafted over the years. I've seen comic adaptions that were said to be nothing like the book, but this took that and lifted to an artform. The only similarity is the fact that the main character is in fact a duck and his name is Howard. Putrid. Rent it to see the epic fail of a brilliant man (in this case producer George Lucas) .

Transporter 3
Jason Statham could almost do no wrong with me. He may never do another film to match Snatch and that is just fine with me. I've seen the first two installments and they were the mindnumbing action I sometimes find myself craving. A movie doesn't always have to have a message, make you cry or take you on some trip. Sometimes it's fun to watch some mindless violence where shit blows up and bastards get their nads handed to them (see Shoot'em Up). Rent it and then have rough sex with that special someone.

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas
The makers of this film were hoping that tugging at the heartstrings of the Academy with yet another holocaust story would pay off big. Instead the Academy said, "Fuck the Holocaust. Get over yourself" and went with a Who Wants To Be A Millionaire fantasy and Sean Penn finally coming out of the closet. Rent it and if you like it buy it...I haven't a clue.

Milk
What can I say? I'll let the late Roger Ebert say it for me, "This is the sort of rare epic film that spans the decades, that uses the proverbial cast of thousands, and yet follows a human thread from beginning to end." Of course he was talking about Gandhi and that has nothing to do with Milk. I hate Sean Penn, so my opinion of anything he does is biased. The fact that he stood there holding an Academy Award while Mickey Rourke sat in the audience is a a travesty. Rent it if you are interested...I'm not.

Cadillac Records
Adrian Brody and Beyonce Knowles...how can you go wrong? Well, name your movie Cadillac Records and yet have it resemble the story of Cadillac Record only in passing. I heard NOTHING good about this. Ask Netflix to pay YOU to watch it.

The Complete Cracker
Unless you get BBC America you probably have no clue what the hell this is. Robbie Coltrane is known here in the states mainly for his portrayal of Hagrid in the Harry Potter films. In Britain he is a brilliant comedic and dramatic actor. Here is a collection of the Cracker episodes put together as movies. In these he portrays a morally vague and mentally sharp criminal psychologist named Edward Fitzgerald...a very non-Hagrid part. I recommend this highly. Probably expensive to own, so try to track down a rental method.

What the hell?

Yeah...it's been a year since I posted. My concept for this blog has been sidetracked by a lack of time and a lack of photos I could use legally without paying for them. Big problem there. Every time I have thought of a new angle to do this from something else has come up, and to be honest, there are folks doing this far better than me. So, as I said, what the hell? Still have ideas I'd like to try and since there can't be more than 3 people ever checking this blog out, I feel fairly comfortable doing whatever I want. To that end, this is probably going to end up all over the place subject-wise until I find a groove. But...what the hell...

Jabba the Hutt

"Bring me Solo and the Wookiee. They will all suffer for this outrage." That was the cry last night as Jabba the Hutt made one of his rare public appearances. Since being strangled to death by a scantily clad Carrie Fisher in '83, Jabba has tried to keep a low profile.

Quoting gems like, "This bounty hunter is my kind of scum: fearless and inventive", Jabba thrilled the crowds with thoughts of a simpler time...when creatures were rubber, mechanical and had a guy's hand up their ass. When movies were shot on actual sets and didn't look like a game for the PS3. When an actor's wooden performance was part of the fun conceit, and not because they literally have one single monotone delivery. Yeah, I'm looking at you "Mannequin Skywalker". Dammit, Topher Grace would have kicked ass!!! Oh...heh...hrmm.

As seen in the photo, Jabba has put on some weight since he was last seen.

UPDATE: Okay, so that wasn't Jabba the Hutt. Sure looked like him, and frankly this guy deserves the same end. Can't SOMEBODY throw a chain around the fat f#@ks neck and pull. I mean it's not enough he's a propagandist on a level to make Leni Riefenstahl jealous (damn, Triumph of the Will was good work), but Hollywood fawns over him like his sweat has healing properties. You know, there are many many better directors making fictional movies just like him who don't get near the acclaim. The bright spot is that he's just one In and Out Burger from spending time with Uncle Adolf.

I'M NOT F@#KING DANE COOK!

Incredibly talented and naturally funny Ryan Reynolds is seen here gently reminding photags that he is not the charismatic but remarkably unfunny comedy thief Dane Cook. "Look, I made a movie with the dude, but he was in the kitchen acting like a retard (huge stretch there) and I was out front macking chicks like Anna 'Could I BE Any Cuter?' Faris. I mean did you SEE 'Employee of the Month'? Dax Shepperd carried him...also that mexican dude from Napoleon Dynamite. I was Van Wilder for f@#ks sake! Kumar? I MADE Kal Pen"

Move! Move! Move!

Security was alerted this week to David and Victoria Beckham's home when code "The Robin Has Left The Nest" was announced. With Victoria in NY doing exciting fashion related things, it was important to get the boys out of the house as quickly as possible before the spanish swimsuit models arrived. Spirited away behind the blacked-out glass of Dave's sports car, the boys were taken to a secluded location. Here you can see the shock on their faces as they notice the group of photographers just struck by the speeding vehicle upon arrival.

Ashton Spends Valentines With Mom

Ashton Kutcher is a true momma's boy, as he is seen here accompanying his mom out for a sexy night on the town in LA. It is truly wonderful to see a young star not hopped up on whoopy doo and honoring his mom when he could be out banging chicks like Matthew McConaughy does bongos. Admittedly the hand holding is a little odd.

UPDATE: Intrepid Hound Reporter, Clare Bassett, has once again pointed out that that is Dinty Moore...what?..Oh..Demi Moore with Ashton. Apparently Ashton is still playing "new daddy" to Bruce Willis' kids. Sorry for the confusion.

A Dyke, a Dick and Disinterested

Alec Baldwin appeared on the View to explain how though he did call his daughter a rude pig, it was really Kim Basinger's fault. First, I thought Canada bombed the Baldwin compound in Bigger, Longer and Uncut. Shouldn't he be as dead as the good part of his career? Secondly, this has got to be the only show a hatefilled child tormentor can go on and get sympathy. And really, he's only getting sympathy from Rosie O'don't I have a Penis. Thirdly, wasn't he supposed to move out of the country after Bush won the second time. I know he promised, and he seems real persnickety about keeping promises.